Orochimaru's Guide
by Trissacar
Summary: Orochimaru's mind gets spliced with sixteen year old Candy. He can't stand her constant commentary but is she on to something? OroAnko Orochimaru Anko
1. Chapter 1

**Author's InCoHeReNt RaMbLiNgs: KK so heres how it goes**

_"Candy's loud thoughts."_

_Orochimaru's not loud thoughts._

_*mental image*_

_*******************************************************************************************************************************************************  
_

"What is she doing here? She shouldn't be here."

_"Yes its that she shouldn't be here it isn't that you don't want her to be here."_

"SHUT UP!"

_"Dude its not like I can my thoughts come out in your head whether I want them to or not."_

"Then control your thoughts!"

_"Stop being such a drama queen."_

"I swear to GOD Candy I will kill you!"

_"You'll have to get me out of your brain first."_

_Damnit how'd I get in this situation again?_

_"Umm you were stupid enough to use a mind transfer jutsu foolishly thinking that you would be able to take over the other mind completely and use it for your purposes? I think it went something like that. By the way my body better be in top condition."_

_Or what? You'll be more annoying then you already are?_

_".........."_

"Orochimaru sama! Good I've found you. We have an intruder in the base.

"Yes Kabuto I already know..."

"Ahh I see who is it?"

_*Purple hair*_

_"Why are you obsessed with her hair?"_

_Why are you such a pain in my ass?_

_"I love you too ORO KUN! * 3 :P *_

"Never mind I'm going to take care of it."

_"How are you planning to 'take care of it'? Cause I'm sixteen member? I don't need that kind of scar on my psyche__."_

_What about the scar on MY __psyche__?! You have a dirty mind...._

_"Why thank you! * ^^ *_

"Alright then...."

_"Awww look you weird-ed out poor Kabuto. * :( *_

_DIE._

_* ;( *_

"Wha-why are you here?" The women looked up at him.

_"Now Oro say something nice! Flattery will get you everywhere. And I mean EVERYWHERE......._

_* ;) *_

"You didn't know this was my base?"

_"Well THAT wasn't very romantic. How do you expect to get into her pants if you can't even "express" yourself?"_

The sannin coughed he couldn't help it. He knew no one could hear her except him but he still felt the need to censor her language for his _own_ sake.

"No. I wouldn't- I mean I wasn't here for you."

_"OH NO YOUR EGO IS SHRINKING WHAT SHALL WE DO?!"_

He looks more closely at her.

_She is injured._

He could see the blood pooling around her fingers her heaving gasps as well.

_"Well don't just stand there! Go help her!"_

Unhappily obeying his new inner voice he stepped towards the the purple headed kunoichi. She pushed herself more toward the wall. But he still advanced and picked her up bridle style while simultaneously putting pressure on her wound. She groaned in pain but remained conscious and started to struggle to get out of his grasp.

_"Fiesty isn't she?"_

_You must have absolutely nothing credible to add to a conversation do you?_

_"You REALLY want me to say whats on my mind or in this case whats on your mind!"_

_Good point._

_Wheres Kabuto when I need him?_

He put her down on the cold table and tried to ignore her uncontrollable shivering.

_"Are you supid? She's going into shock!"_

_What do I do?_

_"God you really ARE useless! Umm... Lets start with a transfusion to compensate for her blood loss."_

He looked quickly for her blood type in storage rushed back and started the transfusion.

_"Calm her down you nit! She's hyperventilating!"_

_HOW DO I DO THAT!?_

_"You know her better then I do!"_

"Anko look at me focus on me."

She looked a him with a distressed look.

"Good now breath slowly I need to suture you okay?"

She nodded her head slightly.

_"You can suture but you can't recognize shock?!"_

_SHUT UP!_

_"Yes because thats worked the last fifteen times you've said it."_

Orochimaru skillfully sutured her side. Tears streamed down her cheeks.

Candy felt a jab in Orochimaru's thought patterns.

_"Thats good she can feel the pain. She's still coherent."_

_I see..._

Once he was satisfied he looked in the bins and found her a blanket and wrapped it around her.

"Why are you doing...this?"

"Rest yourself you can ask me some other time."

"But-"

He jabbed a needle into her arm and watched her eyes close.

_Rest..._


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's InCoHeReNt RaMbLiNgs: KK so heres how it goes**

_"Candy's loud thoughts."_

_Orochimaru's not loud thoughts._

_*mental image*_

~ Previously ~

"Why are you doing...this?"

"Rest yourself you can ask me some other time."

"But-"

He jabbed a needle into her arm and watched her eyes close.

_Rest..._

~ Now ~

_"HAhaHAha! You're totally whipped!"_

_* :I *_

_"Hey don't you make angry face at me! And stop hovering around the girl!"_

_This "girl" is OLDER then you!_

_"Psssh I guess you would know studly seeing how many girlfriends you have around here."_

_I don't have any need for something like that._

_"....sure..."_

_* Anko in a negligee *_

_!!!!!!!!!_

_"Yes no need at all for something like that..."_

_Damnit! Keep your thoughts to yourself!_

_* Anko blushes and trys to cover herself *_

_so seductive... I MEAN ANNOYING!_

_"You're not fooling anybody besides yourself snake man! Mwahahahaha!"_

_What the hell do you think you know about stuff like this?!_

_"Enough to know that (singsong voice) You like Anko! You waaant to kiss her you waaant to hooollllddd her."_

_AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_

_* :O *_

_"Hahahaha!"_

~ Somtime Later ~

_"Hey you!"_

_"Shut up..." * Zzzz *_

_"I hear someone groaning!"_

_* ! *_

He snapped his eyes open and looked at the table in time to see Anko struggling to roll off the table. The sannin jumped up from his chair and caught her as she tumbled off.

"Let me go I didn't do anything to you..." She mumbled.

"You are in no position to go anywhere."

_"Still trying to run away is she? What'd you __**do**__ to her?"_

_*Flashback* Anko gasps as he bites her giving her the curse mark.*_

_"What the hell?! What is __**wrong**__ with you?! She was like what 12 there?! OH GOD OH GOD I'm stuck in a pedophiles body! AHH! WHAT TO DO? WHAT TO DO?!"_

"It wasn't like that! Look closer!"

"Who're yo talkin to?" Anko asked as he put her back on the table.

_"I DON'T WANNA! NO NOOOOO!!!!!"_

_*Flashback* Curse mark tattoos on Anko's skin. He steps away and leaves her alone.*"The cursemark gives powers to whoever recieves it."*_

_"....oh...."_

_YEAH! YOU BITCH!_

_"Did you just call me a BITCH?"_

_"Ya know? For a bad guy you seem pretty defensive about the bad guy rap. Or is this about the girl?"_

"SHUT UP!"

"I didn't...say...anything..." Her eyes suddenly focused on him.

_"Now look what you've done? Don't you make her cry!_

"No its not you its someone else I'll explain it later. But you need to rest to be coherent when I talk to you. So do us both a favor and rest up. Your not even remotely entertaining when you're like this."

_"You couldn't just say something nice huh you HAD to fuck it up."_

_You should never have a child. EVER._

"Orochimaru sama did you take care of the intru-" Kabuto stopped talking as entered the room and saw Anko on the table.

_"Explain this one Fido..."_


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's InCoHeReNt RaMbLiNgs: KK so heres how it goes**

_"Candy's loud thoughts."_

_Orochimaru's not loud thoughts._

_*mental image*_

~ Previously ~

"Orochimaru sama did you take care of the intru-" Kabuto stopped talking as entered the room and saw Anko on the table.

_"Explain this one Fido..."_

~ And now the semi-kinda-not-really-conclusion... ~

"Oh so this is who it was..." Kabuto walked over to the table. Orochimaru tensed. The gray haired ninja touched her neck feeling for her pulse.

_I will kill you._

_"Little possessive are we? Maybe you should realize that she's not yours you haven't made any claim to her and it will continue that way until you grow some damn balls!"_

_For your information I am well endowed._

_"Defending yourself against a sixteen year old.... PATHETIC!"_

"Why is she here? And did you do this?" He asked looking at her wound.

_"Lie about her reason being here. Its the easiest way right now. *sigh*"_

"I believe she was sent on a mission to gather information about the sound."

"And the wound? Did you get a little overzealous?"

_"Tell him yes let him think you're a cold hearted bastard."_

Orochimaru narrowed his eyes slightly. But then smiled.

"Yes..."

"So what are we going to do with her?"

_'We' are not going to do anything._

"I'm going to wait till she wakes up then probe her for information."

"Are you sure you want to bother yourself with that? You could leave her with me I'm sure I have something that will make her talk."

_"I don't like that glint in his eyes Oro kun."_

_Don't call me that!_

_"But you so adwarable!" *pinches young orochimaru's cheeks*_

"No she'll probably break more quickly if I do it."

"As you wish Orochimaru sama."

Kabuto lazily left the room.

_"If I haven't said it a hundred times by now I'll say it again. That dude is a __**freak**__."_

"I wasn't..." He turned around quickly to see a barely conscous Anko.

"You weren't what?"

"I wasn't sent...here to gather information."

"I know."

"Then why did you tell...?"

For once Orochimaru's thoughts and Candy's were on the same page.

_"To give him an excuse to keep you here."_

_To give him an excuse to keep you here._

_"What?!"_

_What now?_

_"You tell me!"_

He leaned down and kissed her forehead injecting some sleeping medication into her IV at the same time.

"What are you.... ?"

_"NANI?!?!"_


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's InCoHeReNt RaMbLiNgS: KK so heres how it goes**

_"Candy's loud thoughts."_

_Orochimaru's not loud thoughts._

_*mental image*_

~ Previously ~

For once Orochimaru's thoughts and Candy's were on the same page.

_"To give him an excuse to keep you here."_

_To give him an excuse to keep you here._

_"What?!"_

_What now?_

_"You tell me!"_

He leaned down and kissed her forehead injecting some sleeping medication into her IV at the same time.

"What are you.... ?"

_"NANI?!?!"_

~ And now the semi-kinda-not-really-conclusion... ~

_"Is your response to everything 'give em drugs'?"_

_She was in distress._

_"No YOU were in distress."_

He sat down in the chair again.

_"You're staying here?"_

_Would you rather have Kabuto watch her?_

_"Point taken you little pervert."_

_I told you that was a misunderstanding!_

_"You're still a pervert... * :3*_

_What is wrong with you?! Were you dropped on your head as a baby?_

_"Whats wrong with YOU?! You're patsy. A pasty patsy!"_

_You think you're so clever don't you?_

~Sometime later~

_Not I'm not._

_"Yes you are."_

_No I'm not._

_"Yes you ARE."_

_Completely ridiculous._

_"How so seems like a natural consequence to me. You betray village,fall in love with girl from that village. Seems like God is having a laugh at you."_

"SHUT THE HELL UP!"

_"Touchy touchy...."_

"Who are you talking to?"

_"Now you've done it."_

_Its YOUR fault!_

_"Oh stop bitchin' at me and go convince your girlfriend you aren't crazy."_

_I hate you...so...much..._

~Few mintutes later~

"You have someone stuck...in your head...?"

_"She is TOTALLY not buying it man you suck!"_

_Why do I suck?_

_"Cause she doesn't trust anything you say cause your a complete jackass!"_

"I don't get it... How did this happen? Or don't I want to know?"

_"Haha she's onto you btw I better not find a sharpie mustache on my face!" * :C *_

"SERIOUSLY?! Thats what you're worried about right now?!"

He yelled. Anko backed up not sure of what to make of this.

_"Aww now look what you've done! You've kicked the puppy shame on you! Now go kiss the puppy on the booboo and make it all better...."_

He put his head in his hands and resisted the urge to scream.

"Are you... Okay?"

_"Is this the part where you're supposed to sweep her off her feet? Cause if it is you're failing miserably."_

A hand lightly touched his shoulder.

"Stay here I have to go talk to Kabuto. I can't guarantee your safety outside this room..."

"Fine..."

_"You just have to keep kicking the puppy don'tcha?"_

Orochimaru wasn't sure why he did what he did next. Maybe it was Candy's constant badgering,her bitchin', her whining, or her overall obnoxious pushiness that she constantly had to remind him about. But he felt a need to make a statement to Candy and more importantly to Anko. He turned back around grabbed her hip and dragged her towards him. He devoured her mouth claiming it with his own. He literally had to push himself away from her to break away. Then without a word eyes wide he left the medical room.

_"!!!!!!!!!"_


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's InCoHeReNt RaMbLiNgS: KK so heres how it goes**

_"Candy's loud thoughts."_

_Orochimaru's not loud thoughts._

_*mental image*_

~ Previously ~

Orochimaru wasn't sure why he did what he did next. Maybe it was Candy's constant badgering,her bitchin', her whining, or her overall obnoxious pushiness that she constantly had to remind him about. But he felt a need to make a statement to Candy and more importantly to Anko. He turned back around grabbed her hip and dragged her towards him. He devoured her mouth claiming it with his own. He literally had to push himself away from her to break away. Then without a word eyes wide he left the medical room.

_"!"_

~ And now the semi-kinda-not-really-conclusion... ~

* *O* *

Oh fuck you!

_"WOW I'm rubbing off on you! I'm so proud!"_

Orochimaru fidgeted with his hands nervously.

_"Hmm worried about rejection?"_

You mother of-

_"Hey I'm just trying to help here!"_

If you must know I did it to mess with her head. Maybe she'll tell me about her original mission.

_"You are so full of crap."_

He walked past the storage room straight towards the lab.

_"Besides if Kabuto found out he wouldn't believe you either."_

The sannin dug his nails into his palms he felt something wet but didn't look down to see if it was blood. He knew from past expirience it probably was.

_"Whatcha so nervous for? Hmm? Its not like you'll walk in there and Kabuto will say 'Hey why is there blood on your hands? You stressed about something? Did you make out with Anko?'"_

_"....... Well actually that does sound kind of plausible..... Nevermind you're screwed."_

Kabuto looked up from his computer with some DNA and RNA samples present on the monitor.

"Your hands are bloody..."

_"Hahahahaha! You are SCREWED!"_

Orochimaru grimaced.

"And you consider that out of the ordinary for me?"

_"O0o0o0o0o clever man..."_

He smirked on the inside.

"No..."

"Good. Now have you found a way to get this God forsaken creature out of my head yet?"

_* :C *_

"Ummmm....."

_"That would be a no."_

"Well Kabuto?"

"I'm working on it." He looked at his desk to avoid his eyes.

In a fit of rage Orochimaru smashed in the monitor. He turned to leave and Kabuto let out a sigh but he turned back.

"And stay away from Anko I'm dealing with that situation myself." He said with just a hint of malice.

"Yes Orochimaru sama."

_"Duuuuuude that was like the most suspicious thing you've ever done! Now where are you going!"_

I need a rest from your conniptions!

_"Oh so we are heading to the sedatives now eh? Question you think Kabuto will stay away like you asked? He doesn't seem like the loyal type.... * :/ *_

He'd better....

Candy stayed silent but Orochimaru tried not to think about the implications of it.


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's rant: Nobody fucking asked you to read it. If it was a serious story that would be one thing this is fucking fanfiction! YOU MORON! And I can do whatever I want you asswipe! IF I WANT TO PUT ONE HUNDRED SMILEYS I WILL! Its something I wanted to put in this story. This isn't supposed to be really serious. So do the world a favor and take the chidori out of your ass and say something worth a damn!**

Omake.

Orochimaru: What is this place?

Triss: This is my mind where all retarded things come from!

Orochimaru: Its so...pink...

Candy: Whats wrong with pink? OOOOh you prefer purple!

Orochimaru: Actually I prefer black if you must know.

Triss: Also known as goth...

Orochimaru: Why you- Was...was that a pony?

Triss: Who said my mind made sense?  
Anko: Someone on the Naruto forums?

Triss: Mitarashi! Just in time I'm about to close the segment.

Candy: But I hardly got any lines! *whines*

Triss: You get most of the lines in this fic anyway!

Anko: But why haven't you been writing omakes for all the stories? So that your watchers don't get bored?

Triss: I think thats it for today people!

Anko: Don't you get off topic! Your watchers deserve an answer! At least-

Triss: Lalala can't hear you lalala!

Candy: Lalalala. (Anko glares at Candy) Hey it looked like fun!

Orochimaru: It takes alot more then singing to drown out Anko... O_O wait a minute Anko put down the AK 47 assault rifle...? WHY DO YOU HAVE THESE IN YOUR MIND TRISS?


End file.
